Every single day im fighting and struggling against this battle.

I really wonder how long will i be able to survive this.

No one sees the pain in my eyes.

They were all fooled by the smile on my face.

There's hardly anything left worth fighting for.

theres nothing i can do or say, but to admit that im simply not good enough.
things happen for a reason, and if you ever made that decision once, it only proved further that im not good enough at all.

youre too good for me.

its no wonder that the best part of me was always you.

too upset for words.

sometimes these cuts are much deeper than they seem

who am i to say people are pretentious when i put on a facade almost every single day. Pretending that im fine, happy when inside im all torn up.

reality is too harsh for anyone to take it.
today is just one of those days which i feel like sleeping my entire life away. at least when im asleep, i dont feel the pain clawing away at my chest.

what am i suppose to say when im all choked up and youre all okay

literally falling to pieces.

im trying so hard not to be show my disappointment, but when as soon as those words came out of your mouth, my heart shattered into smithereens.

maybe i dont mean to you as much as before, or maybe i never held the number one spot.

sometimes i replay the words that i wanted to say to you, over and over a million times in my head but somehow i just couldnt get it out. i guess i just feel terrified. terrified of history repeating itself.
if i ever told you how i felt again, it would just end up in a heated argument and you would get so mad at me that you feel that you cant stand another moment of being with me together anymore. because i would simply come across as saying you again. but what im trying to do, is to simply get my feelings across to you.

but i have no idea how to do it. letters that i wrote got crushed and shredded into a million pieces. i never have the guts to do it because im afraid.

just have to suppress everything, not expect anything, let everything be.
time and time, i still have not learnt my lessons.
i expect something from you because i have high hopes of you, and i know youre capable of doing it. because you showed me that you were capable of doing it before we were together or when we just got together.i didnt say you change because you stopped acting the way i expected you to be. because you were capable of it, it led to expectations of you from me.

or maybe im just wrong to expect anything lest you said i forced you to do anything, like those cards. maybe im a horrible and selfish person who doesnt deserve you as much as someone else who might be in the future.

i cant do it, i cant just let everything go and give whatever we have up. let alone visioning you with someone else in future.
but im so tired of suppressing everything that i dont know what to do anymore.

inside, i feel so broken and torn up.

have you ever tried so hard to get someone's attention just so he would notice you and pay as much attention to you as he did to others?
i do. i always hoped that i would fall sick so badly that you would show as much care for me as to your other friends.

but sometimes, i feel that im not worth for you to care so much.
because the amount of care and concern you show them is much more than mine.
even when it comes to how horrid my family affairs are.

maybe that is why i do not tell you anything but instead keep it bottled up in my chest.
sometimes, they balled up into a tight little ball which is curled up tightly and feels as though its suffocating me, so much that i cant breathe.
it hurts so bad that i do not know what to do anymore.

i tried to share, but all i get was you telling me to ignore them.

what do i do? where do i go from here?

too broken

you taught me how to break a heart, but i would not do it.
because ultimately, in the end, the one to be hurt most would not be you but me.

i know im a fool for holding on to all these painful memories.
i tried, they haunt me every single day.
hopefully, this moment would just fade into the past no matter how long it takes.